In 2004, in the desert sands of Kuwait, I realized where I stood as a woman in war compared to a man. And all I wanted to do was give the finger to every double standard that protects men, and chastises women.
Convoy live-fire in the middle of nowhere in Kuwait was on the schedule and only for those who were headed out to Forward Operating Bases or FOBs in far more dangerous cities. Those who were stationed in the Baghdad's Green Zone/International Zone (The I.Z.), Balad (aka LSA Anaconda), and Camp Victory got to fly ahead of us – and quite happily.
For three days we froze our asses off in Bedouin tents, sleeping on Persian rugs, and witnessed active duty personnel who couldn’t hit a target five feet in front of them. We cleared rooms, shot at targets at close range, and conducted convoy exercises to prepare for real life ambushes in Iraq that those going to the Green Zone, Camp Victory, and Balad wouldn’t have to experience. After completing training with retired green berets-turned-Defense contractors, we came back to Camp Virginia and started to clear our weapons. Apparently one of the more clueless soldiers I have ever met, SGT Arnold, didn’t clear (ensure a rifle is not loaded) a weapon properly in spite of numerous prompts. SGT Arnold failed to follow basic instructions and even worse, pointed the weapon at a large rock and fired what he thought was an empty M16A2 rifle. While other soldiers stood by, a round went off and I sprang up from the back of the Humvee, with my already cleared rifle. No one in our command sought discipline for Arnold’s mistake. What was interesting about the accidental discharge created by SGT Arnold’s idiocy was that he wasn’t allowed to be punished – even though I was his NCOIC, his immediate supervisor. When I wrote up his evaluation and mentioned the accidental discharge, I was told by the white supremacist piece of shit Captain above me to “stop being a ball-buster” and not to be a “bitch” to SGT Arnold even though he deserved some form of punishment – at the very least – for nearly slaughtering fellow soldiers. Unlike Arnold, I’m a woman. He’s allowed to fuck up, and it gets brushed off with a pat on the back and a cigar. On the other hand, I could do right my whole career and be told the entire time to fuck off. Which means in spite of not making a colossal mistake such as an accidental discharge, I have often noticed the misogynists in my midst were always on alert to point out any possible flaw they could find. So in response, I took a photo doing the most horrible thing people called me out for: appearing to have my finger on the trigger. Context alert: This was taken at North Bridge checkpoint in West Ramadi by my battlebuddy, Specialist Miranda Mattingly while we were joking about what a turd SGT Arnold was – who refused to venture outside the wire because he was too scared. If I was really walking around with my finger on the trigger, the 45 male Marines around me would be more than enthusiastic to let me know. But that’s what it really was: the finger. The finger thus far has been plastered in independent films about women in combat, but what I truly love are the comments: “Waaah, fuck her! Her finger is on the trigger! Women suck at everything!” It showed me that no matter how much I accomplished, no matter what I did to save lives in Iraq, whether talking someone out of suicide or tying tourniquets on bleeding limbs, all patriarchal dipshits wanted was any chance to tear me apart. All for being a woman. Instead of hiding this photo, I’ve proudly circulated and just waited. Patiently. While I have since moved on and surpassed the most heinous people in my former, insidious unit from Indiana, this photo of unabashedly giving the “trigger finger” is my way of giving the middle finger to the fake camaraderie expressed by people who pretend to be heroes. People who stole federal funds while other soldiers out in dangerous cities were fighting for their lives. People who hid in their rooms while soldiers bled to death out in the streets. People who abused Iraqis and raked minority soldiers over the coals who didn’t submit to Klan-destine ideology. All successes since then have served as my best revenge since, and when my pseudotrigger finger triggers the hatred of cowards, I savor every bit of insecure projection by losers who didn’t have the stones to do what I did in Iraq and make it through a post-war reintegration as fabulously as I have. While self-loathing sociopaths and psychopaths continue to mock, rape, and torture women in contemporary American history, I rest assured in the fact that all such trolls who see the video below will bleed from the inside - because women like me are Soldiers. Period. SOLDIERS PERIOD from Rock Stotter on Vimeo.
2 Comments
5/23/2017 17:48:12
Good to know that women have also started taking active part in defense of the country in middle eastern countries. I pay salute to your efforts.
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AuthorM.B. Dallocchio is an artist, author, Iraq war veteran, and social worker based in London. Her latest book, “The Desert Warrior,” covers post-traumatic growth, resilience, and redefining one’s own personal meaning of “home.” Archives
August 2020
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